what happens when your house no longer becomes your home?

when its no longer a haven?

when all you want to do is run away from it?

all i can think of are lines from 'this is not a fashion statement, its a fucking deathwish'.

i'm taking back the life you stole.

this hole you put me in,
wasn't deep enough
and i'm climbing out right now.

i will avenge my ghost with every breath i take.

there's always a song from mcr you can relate with.

i realized. i only like songs like that. that i can understand and feel the emotions, singing the songs out loud.

funnily enough. brushing your teeth while having the songs played are really therapeutic. i can sit there are brush my teeth for over ten minutes just listening to the songs over and over again. to the point where i lose myself and the brushing goes on for too long.

my one week old toothbrush is looking very battered now.

i'm lost.

i had a really weird, but wonderful dream last night.

i went to tokyo to see mcr in concert.

immediately after the concert, my mother went to check us in to the airport extra early. i was damn pissed at her, cause i wanted to go backstage to see them and talk to them.

so i ran from the airport. mind that i ran past all the custom officers. and it didn't occur to me that the airport looked weird. small and boxy. haha.

so i ran away from the airport and went back to the concert venue. and they were there! i talked to them for a long time.

at that time, i could sense what was going on around me in reality. i knew my dad came in to turn on the lights in my room. but i refused to get up. at that moment in time, i believed my brain still thought what was happening was real, that i was in japan and i actually met mcr.

when i woke up, i was kind of disappointed. but still elated that i had such a dream. went to school had p.e., played netball. and eunice, whenever i was trying to throw the ball into the net, shouted tokyo! in reference to my dream. and i got in.

this was quite successful. and others tried the trick too. but when christina shouted my chemical romance, i turned to look at her and threw the ball without aiming, and was like "where are they?"

i'm an idiot sometimes. *shrugs*

its quite screwed up, isn't it, when your ie is working faster than your firefox.

damn. that's what' happening to me right now.

and a slow internet connection.

and a spoilt tv.

i'm not having the best of nights as you can see...

i'm turning on my mugger mode. hopefully. seeing that i just borrowed a thick book with SAT questions and stuff like that on it.

but seeing that i've barely cracked it open except in school...

my laptop's doing this weird thing where half the letters i type go missing. i have to check back.

damnit. whatever happened to my magic touch with technology? haha.

my sister, who usually insults me, called me smart last night. and i was like, you only realize it now. haha. and the reason she thought i was smart was because of my ability to answer a primary school question.

she's 17 this year. am i smart or is she stupid? *shrugs*

off to fangirl.

we went to k-box today.

it was fucking retarded.

for some reason, we couldn't think of many songs to sing. so after singing those that we wanted, we started to lame shit like choosing the children songs. and sang along to them.

it was fucking funny. cause christina and eunice were like singing in baby voices? i think wilson did too. haha.

and christina recorded wilson singing wang xinling's ai4 ni3. and he didn't like how it sounded.

which led to a mad scramble for the phone.

wow. wilson can be scary at times.

we were freaked out by him to the extent that everytime he came near us we started, or panic.

but it was fun.

no more k-boxing for awhile...

isn't it wonderful to have someone that can fuck up your world so perfectly, with a few phrases or words?

fucking bitch.

you're so fucking annoying.

you act as if you're placed on the fucking highest pedestal and want everyone to treat you as though you are fucking god.

i can't wait for the day when someone knocks on that fucking pedestal and realize its fucking hollow.

when i let you use something of mine, its called a fucking FAVOUR. no matter how much you try to delude yourself that its not mine.

when i do you a favour, i'm not fucking obliged to. i do it out of the goodness of my little, shriveled heart.

so you better fucking appreciate it. and not act as though you fucking deserve to have it.

get it straight. you don't.

you have never done a fucking piece of shit to ever deserve the favours i always do for you.

fuck. the number of the fucking EVIL things you've done to me is probably higher than the number of dollars bill gates has.

i don't understand what the fuck your problem is.

or it is just inculcated in you, some part of your brain wired to make you irritate people with your presence.

probably. seeing that no one can be so fucking irritating in reality. but you of course, broke the fucking norm.

i wish that you would get a fucking life. and GROW UP.

there's more to fucking life than petty arguments, trying to get your own fucking way in life, and trying to win, even when there's nothing to win.

THANKS FOR NOTHING.

i'm bored.

bored bored bored bored bored.

i fell asleep like how many times in school.

what went on today?

not very sure. i was in a daze.

hmm. i know it was hot. and humid. and it caused me to feel even more tired.

tried catching up with my homework. manged all except for maths.

homework is something that no matter how much you run after it, you'll never catch up with it.

today was kinda crap.

i forgot to bring my ez-link.

the stupid bus-driver made me pay full fare.

seriously. i was in my fucking school uniform and got up the bus at my fucking school bus-stop. no. i'm not a student and i'm wearing the school uniform for fun.

why the fuck are the bus-drivers so fucking strict? can't they use their brains a bit and realize that as a STUDENT, i am ELIGIBLE to pay fucking student fare.

this is so fucking unfair to those who forget to bring their cards. why the fuck do they have to pay more just because of something that they have forgotten? and its a lot fucking more. i paid $1.60 for a fucking trip when i usually pay $0.45. i don't understand why i have to pay so much more when i can fucking clearly prove that i'm a fucking student. fucking stupid bus company.

then i walked home. and i saw this mass of flies on the ground. when i was nearer (i had to walk pass it, and not on purpose), i realized they were feeding on...

a dead rat.

oh. my. god. the rat was like haf-decomposed. you could see the bones and everything. it was kinda a grey-greenish colour. urgh.

then i continued walking. seeing that i didn't really like this kind of sights.

yes. i don't. no matter what you think of me.

then walking under the hdb flat back to my place, i encountered cockroaches. and not one or two. they were like.. everywhere. and they were dead. or half-dead. mostly on their backs and with their legs wriggling about. and i had to walk through them. eww.

what a day.

i hate it.

and i hate you.

when my wings come out,

you'll never see me again.

you fucking think that i want to do all this shit, having to practically fucking beg you for any piece of fucking shit that i want. seriously, there hasn't been any fucking things you got for me because you fucking want to.

fine. what i want is all shit. they don't give a fucking way to help save the world or any shit.

fucking protect yourself from all imaginary monsters for all i care.

i fucking hate the media. there's a reason why they write all the crap, sensationalize them so that you'll buy the fucking papers. you think that's all the fucking shit that happens in the world only? hah.

live in your own fucking deluded world, thinking that the whole world's gonna take a fucking bite out of your ass.

believe me when i say, the world doen't fucking care.

don't think you're so fucking big to the fucking extent that everyone's paying fucking attention to you, and is gonna fucking backstab you the moment you turn your fucking back.

must have been some fucking shit you've done to be so fucking paranoid about this shit.

wait. wait a few more years and none of us will ever have to fucking deal with each other anymore.

and then you'll realize what a big fucking mistake you've made. or maybe not, as it is fucking possible for you to live the fucking way you have done since the beginning of fucking time. it really seems fucking impossible for you to change.

for that, FUCK YOU.

i've gotten a fucking A for pw.

i can't believe it.

jingyi certainly couldn't believe it, gasping so loud in class when it was announced.

we all thought i was screwed, with how i answered during the Q&A part. haha.

yay. i've gotten at least one fucking A for my a levels.

and i may not get anymore.

haha.


P.S. and i checked my old post. i wrote that i wasn't aiming for an A! only for it to end. haha. so its not always true with the aim high get high. take heart in that.

i'm really tired right now.

tired of your expectations.

tired of the arguments.

i have no idea what you want from me.

can't you see i'm trying my best?

i want to give up.

and i think that i'm reaching the edge soon.

i had a really good dream last night.

i wish i could remove it from my head and watch it over and over again.

i'm happy today.

though a bit stoned.

my internet's working!

it didn't really work yesterday after i blogged.

haha.

and i found ownskin.com!

its a place to create your own mobile theme.

i of course did mcr ones.

can't really find one that i liked. so i made them.

though they're not very good.

but i like can already.


-the hole you put me in,
wasn't deep enough,
and i'm climbing out right now...
-mcr

i was called emo today.

come on! let me hear you laugh! haha.

wikipedia defines:


emo music as: rock music with emotionally-based lyrics or effect

ok. so i like emo music.

emo fashion as: tight jeans on males and females alike, long fringe (bangs) often brushed to one side of the face, dyed black hair, tight t-shirts which often bear the names of rock bands, studded belts, belt buckles, Chuck Taylor All-Stars or other black shoes - often old and beaten up - and thick, black-rimmed glasses.

lol. all i have is the dyed black hair.

but emo fashion in the past had button-down shirts! i like those shirts. haha.

so i'm not exactly emo-fashionable.


emo personality as: being candid about their emotions, sensitive, shy, introverted, broken-hearted, glum, and often quiet.

HAHAHAHA!!! i'm candid bout my emotions... but the rest. total failure. lol. asking me to be quiet is like asking a stone not to be a stone.

apparently its cool to pretend to be suicidal and self-harm in the emo-subculture (also taken from wikipedia). fuck. i'm not.

i'm totally not emo. if there's a checklist for emo shit i leave nearly all the boxes unchecked.


to prove that i'm not emo, let me type a very non-emo entry today.


today was a bright and sunny day! (let's ignore the fact that it looked like rain)

i went to school. school was fun!

i talked!

i went home!

i used the computer!

heeheehee! i'm a happy little idiot!



what a load of crap.

if that is then considered non-emo.....

fuck. i'll rather be labelled emo.

happy birthday to gerard arthur way.

haha. he doesn't look 30, does he?

this is like the most recent picture i saved.

the band is no longer made up of a bunch of 20 somethings.

lol.

god. this day sucks.

i'm not feeling well.

i'm slightly unhappy.

why the hell isn't buzznet working?

i need medicine. in the form of mcr.

dammit.

all alone.

in a pool of blood.

i'm falling.

down.





i need a fucking drink.

go listen to runaway love.

by who? i forgot.

-forced to think that hell's a place called home

me and ongying were talking yesterday, about being able to follow your dreams.

i want to be some music marketing manager. the thing that comes into your mind straight away would be, siao arh. how much can you earn from that.

true. it wouldn't be able to support my lifestyle.

but i want to. and ultimately, i won't. unless like 2 billion pounds drop on my head or something.

seriously, in singapore, we really aren't encouraged to pursue our dreams, unless of course your dream is to be some big-shot doctor or lawyer or someone who is useful to the economy.

you can pursue your dreams in two ways, get born into a rich family, or starve.

most of us hardly find jobs that we are interested in. which is....

its different in usa, apparently.

mcr went out just to play their music, because they wanted to, not because they knew they were going to become big and earn shitloads of money from it. they did it because they had a passion for it, because hey all wanted to be in a band since young.

of coure other bands are like that, but never mind. must mention mcr everytime. haha.


in singapore, if we were to chase such a dream, we're gonna be laughed at. or we'll probably end up quitting sooner or later.