have you ever felt an urge to do something really damaging to yourself?

like getting drunk all day, or smoking your way to hell?

i have. and i'm still feeling that way.

i used to have thoughts of wondering what my future would be like, since i could never think of what i would like to do in the future. i always thought that i would die early, because everyone seemed to have aspirations and dreams, and i never did. i thought that, without such dreams, it was a sign that i was meant to die young.

laughable, isn't it?

but it isn't exactly funny for me, at this stage. i still have thoughts like that. my question wasn't when would i die, but how i would die.

surprising, mcr kinda changed that for me.

i've learnt. learnt from gerard. from frank.

they've quit smoking so as to provide a good example for their fans.

gerard quit drinking because he realized what a dive his life was taking.

as he says, people aren't actually afraid of dying. they're afraid of living.

i'm gonna hold on to this life.